This is the war.
Between heart and mind. Heart and intelligence. Heart and strength.
The battle has begun. The fight from within has started. They will
battle until they bleed, until they spit up all that is inside. Until
they lose their strength, they will fight. In combination, they fail to
know who they are rooting for and what they are fighting for. I choose
mind, intelligence, and strength. They are the most challenging. And
in their victory, the heart will be wounded. Brutally slaughtered.
Slashed and torn into pieces. With time, will the pieces find their way
back together? This muscle works hard, it's beat may slow but it will
never be lost.
Fight this war for the future of the heart so it can once again co-exist
with the mind.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
A Brilliant Artist.
The record spins and plays three tracks; I've heard this before, I'm sure of that. I can't differentiate the lyrics from the melody; I'm only sure of what this beat has done to me. My heart beats in sync, very poetically. I know I'm not ready for defeat but I remember this album does not allow me to breathe. I thought I broke this record because it was scratched and would constantly repeat. This album was beautiful once in it's birth but haunting now that it's run it's course. And as much pain as it causes, it shows no remorse. I know this record will never be pure again, so why does it keep playing and force me to breathe it in?
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Airports.
LAX Customs.
It's 3:something pm. You're on your way back from some awesome foreign country and now you have to go through the hell. Chances are you're at least hung over from the previous evening. You're entitled to this. After all, it was your last night in (insert foreign country here). Customs is a bitch in general but LAX customs are the worst.
Let me emphasize this point. You get off the plane, and have to find one of those little trams that takes you from where the plane drops you. And actually, in LAX it's more of a bus type thing. So, you load all your possessions on your back or around your shoulder. Unless you've traveled a lot and have become smart, in which case you have a small suitcase with wheels. First of all, your mind is already tainted with the fact that nearly EVERYBODY stands up as soon as the seatbelt sign goes off in the plane KNOWING that it's going to take a while before they even open the doors. Don't get me started... Moving on. Everybody speed walks to the little bus and crowds in, holding on to the poles while the driver has some fun with you all. Eventually, after hearing everybody converse and observing, you arrive at the destination. You wait in these long lines where you hear many foreign languages. At this point, you are completely exhausted. After waiting in the hot sticky sweaty air for 15 mins. you arrive at the counter where you show your passport to the grouchy man(who can blame him, we works at the airport and has to deal with the travelers). He asks you questions. Blah blah... you get through. Now, it's time. You find baggage claim. Stand there with everybody while it takes what seems to be a lifetime to get your bags. Drag it through security, AGAIN(you've already done this in the country you're coming from). Unloading and reloading. Bitch bitch bitch. Get your bag and you're back on the move. Now you're down escalators, up escalators, stairs, etc. Wait in another line to re-check your bag. Ahhh. Get rid of it. Exhale. A load off your back. After all this stress, you laugh. Just fucking laugh. You exit that part of the airport and are outside looking for the building where your plane takes off from. What goes through your head at this point as a bunch of robot voices. It's like having a car issue, calling AAA, and getting some dude in India who barely speaks english.
"Eh 'ello. You have problem wif car. I need number on card."
"555..."
"No, es wrong number. You stuck where?"
"I'm in Biggs..."
"You country?"
Holy hell.
"Travelers. Please grab your luggage, run across the landing pad. Try to make the bus in time, if not, throw your shit on it while it's moving, and pray to god your can jump and land your ass on the thing. Find a spot to hold on for dear life because the driver did not get laid last night and is pretty pissed off. He wants you all to feel his pain. After exiting the bus, please go wait in line... forever. Once it's your turn, try to be gentle with the man checking your passport. He's married with two children but actually gay. He's tormented. Once this is complete, please go find your checked baggage. Don't fret if it doesn't come out right away. They probably left it on the plane and will send it to you once they've found it. And don't yell at the lady who is trying to assist you. For the love of god, she watched her dog get hit by a car last night. Oh god, they found your luggage.. move along. Travelers, make sure you stay within the black bands or you will be punished. Once you've followed all the signs, please make sure to go back through security. We're afraid you may have gotten a bomb in the process of going from the plane to here. Make sure to remove your flip-flops. That is most likely where it is stored. Good, job.. you're almost there! Take terminal B to terminal Z and from terminal Z go to terminal 2m. There you should find the spot to re-check your luggage. After this step in complete, please exit this building and find escalators 7 and 63b. Take one of those. Once you're outside again, tour around the outdoors and get some fresh polluted LA air. There should be another building about two miles ahead that wraps around, you'll find the entrance for your terminal somewhere. Now, take some time and find your gate. It's near the food court. We're not such which food court but there are only nine so it shouldn't be too bad. Great job! Take a shit, you deserve it."
Ah, I love airports.
It's 3:something pm. You're on your way back from some awesome foreign country and now you have to go through the hell. Chances are you're at least hung over from the previous evening. You're entitled to this. After all, it was your last night in (insert foreign country here). Customs is a bitch in general but LAX customs are the worst.
Let me emphasize this point. You get off the plane, and have to find one of those little trams that takes you from where the plane drops you. And actually, in LAX it's more of a bus type thing. So, you load all your possessions on your back or around your shoulder. Unless you've traveled a lot and have become smart, in which case you have a small suitcase with wheels. First of all, your mind is already tainted with the fact that nearly EVERYBODY stands up as soon as the seatbelt sign goes off in the plane KNOWING that it's going to take a while before they even open the doors. Don't get me started... Moving on. Everybody speed walks to the little bus and crowds in, holding on to the poles while the driver has some fun with you all. Eventually, after hearing everybody converse and observing, you arrive at the destination. You wait in these long lines where you hear many foreign languages. At this point, you are completely exhausted. After waiting in the hot sticky sweaty air for 15 mins. you arrive at the counter where you show your passport to the grouchy man(who can blame him, we works at the airport and has to deal with the travelers). He asks you questions. Blah blah... you get through. Now, it's time. You find baggage claim. Stand there with everybody while it takes what seems to be a lifetime to get your bags. Drag it through security, AGAIN(you've already done this in the country you're coming from). Unloading and reloading. Bitch bitch bitch. Get your bag and you're back on the move. Now you're down escalators, up escalators, stairs, etc. Wait in another line to re-check your bag. Ahhh. Get rid of it. Exhale. A load off your back. After all this stress, you laugh. Just fucking laugh. You exit that part of the airport and are outside looking for the building where your plane takes off from. What goes through your head at this point as a bunch of robot voices. It's like having a car issue, calling AAA, and getting some dude in India who barely speaks english.
"Eh 'ello. You have problem wif car. I need number on card."
"555..."
"No, es wrong number. You stuck where?"
"I'm in Biggs..."
"You country?"
Holy hell.
"Travelers. Please grab your luggage, run across the landing pad. Try to make the bus in time, if not, throw your shit on it while it's moving, and pray to god your can jump and land your ass on the thing. Find a spot to hold on for dear life because the driver did not get laid last night and is pretty pissed off. He wants you all to feel his pain. After exiting the bus, please go wait in line... forever. Once it's your turn, try to be gentle with the man checking your passport. He's married with two children but actually gay. He's tormented. Once this is complete, please go find your checked baggage. Don't fret if it doesn't come out right away. They probably left it on the plane and will send it to you once they've found it. And don't yell at the lady who is trying to assist you. For the love of god, she watched her dog get hit by a car last night. Oh god, they found your luggage.. move along. Travelers, make sure you stay within the black bands or you will be punished. Once you've followed all the signs, please make sure to go back through security. We're afraid you may have gotten a bomb in the process of going from the plane to here. Make sure to remove your flip-flops. That is most likely where it is stored. Good, job.. you're almost there! Take terminal B to terminal Z and from terminal Z go to terminal 2m. There you should find the spot to re-check your luggage. After this step in complete, please exit this building and find escalators 7 and 63b. Take one of those. Once you're outside again, tour around the outdoors and get some fresh polluted LA air. There should be another building about two miles ahead that wraps around, you'll find the entrance for your terminal somewhere. Now, take some time and find your gate. It's near the food court. We're not such which food court but there are only nine so it shouldn't be too bad. Great job! Take a shit, you deserve it."
Ah, I love airports.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
What's up world?
What's going on, world?
The city is crazy. It's almost unreal to me. The small things are what fascinate me most. The street lights, the life, but most of all, the sounds at night that I expect will go away and never do. Being from a relatively small town and then being exposed to the city lifestyle is culture shock just in and of itself. Makes you appreciate those little things at home like leaving your car door unlocked because you know everybody on the street and getting from one side of town to the other in fifteen minutes during 'rush hour.' It's definitely different going from dodging red lights by taking the back roads home than having to use a map on the freeway and ending up getting off on the wrong exit. These are the little things(everything always goes back the the little things) that you fail to imagine when you're sitting back at home looking toward your future at some image of how perfect city life is.
Pop-Culture?
I debated for a long while whether or not to consult my loved ones on leaving home again, this time with a plan, or just getting all of my affairs in order and letting them know a couple of days before I go. Without considering them and getting all their well-thought-out points of view, I'd be selfish and inconsiderate by definition. However, with exposing the idea to everybody and asking what they thought, I'd be getting a bunch of much different views. All of which contradict the other and mix up my mind so that I once again wait on my life longer, postponing what would make me happy and molding into what they have made their circumstances.
I've always been much different than my family. Something is constantly ticking inside of me, small things that are at times brilliant and, at others, things that are just flat-out fucking annoying. I'm decently outspoken. Once I bring my barrier down at least. My mother thinks its disrespectful but I feel its real and honest. There are views I have truly never understood that exist. Plastic that our society has wrapped around our heads with just a tiny hole to let us live while we suffer. All of these things that make us put up a shell and feel 'unworthy,' or better yet, 'unhuman.' What is suggested is that we all strive to be the poster child from some sweet pure image like Gerber or Harvard Grad. Once you take away all the make-up and fabricated images, we're all just people. Souls. However, it seems that is over-looked constantly. Of course, this is all relative to a matter of perspective. Our opinions are diverse and I suppose that's what gives the world color. I'd prefer to live in harmony. To live in peace and truth. To be completely honest, I become incredibly fired up over the dysfunction and discrimination in the world when really, I am entirely aware, that harmony, peace and truth come from within. They are not attributes that can be given or taken away. Whether they are difficult to accomplish or not, they take work and cognitive effort. To learn to live with melody is ideal. And to really appreciate things and people that cross into your path that posses heart. In their work, their relationships, and in their passions.
I constantly crave change and adventure. Challenge and worthwhile concepts to interpret and dissect. Being in an unfamiliar environment or situation definitely challenges your character. How well you adapt and how sincerely you try when you're uncomfortable. I am both frightened and turned on by things that provoke my curiosity. Especially by things that are typically frowned upon, I crave to experience them, to embrace them, to make them part of who I am. At times I become so wrapped up in what's next and what's wrong that I mentally criticize myself for being so impulsive and experiencing things society tells me I should not that I become depressed. I bleed a constant distasteful enthralling lust that radiates all around me, often captivating others in a way neither I nor they understand but are very drawn in by. While I often times may speak obscurely and act 'inappropriately,' my heart is incapable of deviance or betrayal. Its intentions are entirely pure and it would lose its beat before it would allow anything it loved to be in the way of harm. I'm incredibly compassionate and dedicated to what and who I love. And oh so confused as to where I find love in romantic relationships. Being that I am very sexual, I am often mistaking that sexual desire with romance.
Suggestions of this and that from the outside world are never overlooked by me but definitely never breathed in by me. I very much would prefer to give direction rather than take it. This is both a blessing and a curse. My pursuit to find something I feel passionately enough about to be confident in pioneering a new way for is often delayed because I do not follow a particular path and change directions so often. My faith is strong, however. It's only realism I need to embrace. The combination will combine fire with vision and then, I am assured, I will be unstoppable.
As for this chapter in my life, this piece of my story, I am open to new ideas. I am open to change. I am open to being courageous and stepping into the unknown where I will boldly and bravely challenge what I believe will make the world a better place to live in. Regardless of those who will cross my path and doubt my believes and intentions. Regardless of all preconceived notions and skepticism. Why? Because this is my life, this is my journey and I will be damned if I do not leave behind me, a legend.
The city is crazy. It's almost unreal to me. The small things are what fascinate me most. The street lights, the life, but most of all, the sounds at night that I expect will go away and never do. Being from a relatively small town and then being exposed to the city lifestyle is culture shock just in and of itself. Makes you appreciate those little things at home like leaving your car door unlocked because you know everybody on the street and getting from one side of town to the other in fifteen minutes during 'rush hour.' It's definitely different going from dodging red lights by taking the back roads home than having to use a map on the freeway and ending up getting off on the wrong exit. These are the little things(everything always goes back the the little things) that you fail to imagine when you're sitting back at home looking toward your future at some image of how perfect city life is.
Pop-Culture?
I debated for a long while whether or not to consult my loved ones on leaving home again, this time with a plan, or just getting all of my affairs in order and letting them know a couple of days before I go. Without considering them and getting all their well-thought-out points of view, I'd be selfish and inconsiderate by definition. However, with exposing the idea to everybody and asking what they thought, I'd be getting a bunch of much different views. All of which contradict the other and mix up my mind so that I once again wait on my life longer, postponing what would make me happy and molding into what they have made their circumstances.
I've always been much different than my family. Something is constantly ticking inside of me, small things that are at times brilliant and, at others, things that are just flat-out fucking annoying. I'm decently outspoken. Once I bring my barrier down at least. My mother thinks its disrespectful but I feel its real and honest. There are views I have truly never understood that exist. Plastic that our society has wrapped around our heads with just a tiny hole to let us live while we suffer. All of these things that make us put up a shell and feel 'unworthy,' or better yet, 'unhuman.' What is suggested is that we all strive to be the poster child from some sweet pure image like Gerber or Harvard Grad. Once you take away all the make-up and fabricated images, we're all just people. Souls. However, it seems that is over-looked constantly. Of course, this is all relative to a matter of perspective. Our opinions are diverse and I suppose that's what gives the world color. I'd prefer to live in harmony. To live in peace and truth. To be completely honest, I become incredibly fired up over the dysfunction and discrimination in the world when really, I am entirely aware, that harmony, peace and truth come from within. They are not attributes that can be given or taken away. Whether they are difficult to accomplish or not, they take work and cognitive effort. To learn to live with melody is ideal. And to really appreciate things and people that cross into your path that posses heart. In their work, their relationships, and in their passions.
I constantly crave change and adventure. Challenge and worthwhile concepts to interpret and dissect. Being in an unfamiliar environment or situation definitely challenges your character. How well you adapt and how sincerely you try when you're uncomfortable. I am both frightened and turned on by things that provoke my curiosity. Especially by things that are typically frowned upon, I crave to experience them, to embrace them, to make them part of who I am. At times I become so wrapped up in what's next and what's wrong that I mentally criticize myself for being so impulsive and experiencing things society tells me I should not that I become depressed. I bleed a constant distasteful enthralling lust that radiates all around me, often captivating others in a way neither I nor they understand but are very drawn in by. While I often times may speak obscurely and act 'inappropriately,' my heart is incapable of deviance or betrayal. Its intentions are entirely pure and it would lose its beat before it would allow anything it loved to be in the way of harm. I'm incredibly compassionate and dedicated to what and who I love. And oh so confused as to where I find love in romantic relationships. Being that I am very sexual, I am often mistaking that sexual desire with romance.
Suggestions of this and that from the outside world are never overlooked by me but definitely never breathed in by me. I very much would prefer to give direction rather than take it. This is both a blessing and a curse. My pursuit to find something I feel passionately enough about to be confident in pioneering a new way for is often delayed because I do not follow a particular path and change directions so often. My faith is strong, however. It's only realism I need to embrace. The combination will combine fire with vision and then, I am assured, I will be unstoppable.
As for this chapter in my life, this piece of my story, I am open to new ideas. I am open to change. I am open to being courageous and stepping into the unknown where I will boldly and bravely challenge what I believe will make the world a better place to live in. Regardless of those who will cross my path and doubt my believes and intentions. Regardless of all preconceived notions and skepticism. Why? Because this is my life, this is my journey and I will be damned if I do not leave behind me, a legend.
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