Airports.

LAX Customs.

It's 3:something pm. You're on your way back from some awesome foreign country and now you have to go through the hell. Chances are you're at least hung over from the previous evening. You're entitled to this. After all, it was your last night in (insert foreign country here). Customs is a bitch in general but LAX customs are the worst.

Let me emphasize this point. You get off the plane, and have to find one of those little trams that takes you from where the plane drops you. And actually, in LAX it's more of a bus type thing. So, you load all your possessions on your back or around your shoulder. Unless you've traveled a lot and have become smart, in which case you have a small suitcase with wheels. First of all, your mind is already tainted with the fact that nearly EVERYBODY stands up as soon as the seatbelt sign goes off in the plane KNOWING that it's going to take a while before they even open the doors. Don't get me started... Moving on. Everybody speed walks to the little bus and crowds in, holding on to the poles while the driver has some fun with you all. Eventually, after hearing everybody converse and observing, you arrive at the destination. You wait in these long lines where you hear many foreign languages. At this point, you are completely exhausted. After waiting in the hot sticky sweaty air for 15 mins. you arrive at the counter where you show your passport to the grouchy man(who can blame him, we works at the airport and has to deal with the travelers). He asks you questions. Blah blah... you get through. Now, it's time. You find baggage claim. Stand there with everybody while it takes what seems to be a lifetime to get your bags. Drag it through security, AGAIN(you've already done this in the country you're coming from). Unloading and reloading. Bitch bitch bitch. Get your bag and you're back on the move. Now you're down escalators, up escalators, stairs, etc. Wait in another line to re-check your bag. Ahhh. Get rid of it. Exhale. A load off your back. After all this stress, you laugh. Just fucking laugh. You exit that part of the airport and are outside looking for the building where your plane takes off from. What goes through your head at this point as a bunch of robot voices. It's like having a car issue, calling AAA, and getting some dude in India who barely speaks english.

"Eh 'ello. You have problem wif car. I need number on card."
"555..."
"No, es wrong number. You stuck where?"
"I'm in Biggs..."
"You country?"

Holy hell.

"Travelers. Please grab your luggage, run across the landing pad. Try to make the bus in time, if not, throw your shit on it while it's moving, and pray to god your can jump and land your ass on the thing. Find a spot to hold on for dear life because the driver did not get laid last night and is pretty pissed off. He wants you all to feel his pain. After exiting the bus, please go wait in line... forever. Once it's your turn, try to be gentle with the man checking your passport. He's married with two children but actually gay. He's tormented. Once this is complete, please go find your checked baggage. Don't fret if it doesn't come out right away. They probably left it on the plane and will send it to you once they've found it. And don't yell at the lady who is trying to assist you. For the love of god, she watched her dog get hit by a car last night. Oh god, they found your luggage.. move along. Travelers, make sure you stay within the black bands or you will be punished. Once you've followed all the signs, please make sure to go back through security. We're afraid you may have gotten a bomb in the process of going from the plane to here. Make sure to remove your flip-flops. That is most likely where it is stored. Good, job.. you're almost there! Take terminal B to terminal Z and from terminal Z go to terminal 2m. There you should find the spot to re-check your luggage. After this step in complete, please exit this building and find escalators 7 and 63b. Take one of those. Once you're outside again, tour around the outdoors and get some fresh polluted LA air. There should be another building about two miles ahead that wraps around, you'll find the entrance for your terminal somewhere. Now, take some time and find your gate. It's near the food court. We're not such which food court but there are only nine so it shouldn't be too bad. Great job! Take a shit, you deserve it."

Ah, I love airports.